Powerlessness

As many of you know, I'm an active member of a 12-Step Program and I sponsor many women. This past week has been a very tough one, one of gratitude for sure, but one of sadness too.

I encourage my "girls" to do as I do and therefore get what I've got (which is almost always a sense of peace and serenity). That seems so simple to me. That's what I did when I first arrived all broken and hopeless. Shoot, you get desperate enough and you'll do most anything.

- One new girl lasted about 2 weeks and is back out shooting heroin.
- Another who had almost 3 months (mom with 2 beautiful children) is back to lying and drinking her vodka.
- Another decided to find her relief in canned air. Yes, I said canned air! Has wrecked twice in two days from blacking out while huffing in her car.
- Another has pretty much stopped working her program and it's rumored that she's back to drinking again too.

You know, when I hear of these ladies going back to the life and the ugly hole we crawled out of, it just makes me sick.

- It makes me mad
- Makes me resent the disease of addiction
- Makes me angry at them for not following this simple program
- Makes me sorry for their families who once again have to experience this deep down miserable pain of watching the one they love kill themselves
- Makes me respect this disease that I battle each and every day...I know it's waiting for it's opportunity to crawl back into my head should I put myself in a vulnerable position
- Makes me sob because it's just so damn sad to watch

But most of all, it makes me grateful and makes me realize that I'm powerless over alcohol, drugs, and the choices people make.

By the Grace of God, I'm sober today, my family is relatively peaceful today, I'm a good employee, a good friend, a good Mom, a good wife, a good daughter and sister. I'm kinda liking myself today and I know that if I remain on task....Just For Today....God will see me through and allow me to help another of his children another day.

Thanks God.