I came. I came to. I came to believe.

I came. I came to. I came to believe.
This pretty much sums it up for me. It was during my night in jail that I said my first honest prayer. I had no idea how my life had gotten in such horrible shape and I had nowhere to look but up. That was July 14, 2006. By the Grace of God I haven’t found it necessary to drink or drug since that day. I entered a 28 day treatment facility three days later and it was there that I learned about my disease and I learned of the Power of God.

On that plane ride to Florida, a man changed seats and came and set by me. His name was Henry from Alabama. Henry was a big, burly ole country guy. When he asked, “so what brings you to Florida little lady, business or pleasure”, and I responded with “drug treatment”, he nearly fell out of his seat. We talked a bit and when the drink cart neared our seats Henry asked what I would like to drink. I told him I was toying with a Jack and Diet. He said in his hearty country voice, “Not on my watch you don’t!” I’m like, “Henry, dude, I’ve known you like ten minutes!” He said he’d throw the biggest fit I’d ever seen on a plane if I ordered a drink. So when the cart got to us, I smiled and ordered a diet coke. It was at that moment that I realized God had placed Henry next to me. God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

When I completed my treatment program and was flying back home, I sat in that airport terminal knowing no one thinking ‘I could have a drink on the plane. No one would know.’ I boarded the plane and sat next to a professional looking woman. She asked, “so what brought you to Florida, business or pleasure?” I responded, “drug treatment.” She immediately took my hand and said, “I’m an inspirational speaker. Can I pray with you?” I remember this vividly. I remember me looking up and saying, “ok, ok!” God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

When I arrived home and jumped head first into AA, my eyes began to open even wider. I saw God working in other people’s lives and began to believe He would also be what saved me. It was very early in my sobriety that the obsession was removed. I know that it was not me who flipped that “off switch.”

I have worked diligently in my sobriety to improve my conscious contact. I begin each morning on my front porch in the quiet darkness with my coffee, a cigarette, and conversation with God. I thank him throughout each day for the little blessings that I’m finally able to see. I thank him again when I go to bed for another sober day and for the gifts He’s given me.

My biggest worry, as with most moms, is our 22 year old son, Anthony. He’s had his own journey with socially using and drinking. I’ve spent too many nights to count unable to sleep until I hear him pull in the driveway. A few months ago I heard a woman in a meeting saying how she no longer asks God to be with her children. Instead she thanks Him for being with them wherever they are. Thank goodness my ears were open that night. Since that night I’ve been thanking God for riding home with Anthony in the wee hours of the morning. He’s a gamer and he and his friends play all night. This simple little change in my prayer has changed my perspective and I haven’t laid awake for about two months now. It’s amazing. This simple little suggestion has given me more peace than anything else in the program. I use this prayer of thankfulness on most every situation and day by day my fear is diminishing. I’ve never been more grateful and aware of His presence in my life.

I was taught in treatment to turn things over to God by writing them down and putting them in my God Box. Somewhere along the road to happy destiny I had this idea to create God Bags (marketed as Serenity Sacs). There’s something about writing down my worries and putting them in God’s hands that brings me peace and increases my faith. I made them for my sponsees as Christmas gifts and had no intention of selling them. Here it is two years later and I’ve sold them online all over the United States and as far as the United Kingdom. Guess God had other plans for me. You can check out my sobriety-inspired creations at www.serenitysac.etsy.com.

Thank you God for bringing me to AA. Thank you AA for bringing me to God.

Closeout Sale!

It's out with the old and in with the new. I'm cleaning out my sewing stash and having a Closeout Sale on my older versions so that I can focus all my attention on my newer creations.

They're still pretty, they're still effective tools for someone in recovery, they're still great gifts or gift bags, and they're now really affordable!

Come see me at the Serenity Shack!

$2.00 each for certain selections....

http://www.etsy.com/shop/serenitysac

Filling that old familiar Void

I awoke this morning to a great sense of loss, loneliness and just general doom. This is a very famliar feeling. It's exactly the feelings I used to drink and drug over. On days like this when my heart felt empty, I'd call the dope boy first thing in the morning and hit the bar at lunch time.

When my mind takes me to this place, I have to say to myself "what would I tell my sponsees to do?"

So this morning I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I've written a gratitude list and I've written about it. The feeling is still here (7:13 am) but at least I know today that it will pass and that I don't have to drink or drug over it.

Still trying to figure out what has caused these feelings. Let's see: My mom didn't return my phone call as quickly as I would've liked, my husband isn't giving me the attention I need, I am missing my parents and siblings in Texas (they're all helping out with my brother in law's new business and I want to be part of it). Poor poor Rhonda.

My gratitude list: I am sober; My family is safe, healthy and reasonably happy; I have a job which I love and a boss and co-workers who love and support me; I have a relationship with my older sister (my best friend) which fills my heart on a daily basis; I have a boat load of sponsees who appreciate me and who I love very much; I have true friends today that are there for me at all times. I have a God in my life who I'm sure is up there shaking his head once again saying "Geez Woman, what else do you want!"

It sounds really stupid when you write it down. The evidence is overwhelming. I have so many blessings in my life and I need to focus on those.

I truly have the disease of more but I'm grateful that helping others MORE and talking to God MORE is also part of what keeps me sane and sober.

Have a great day.

Rhonda

Blog and get registered for a great giveaway!

Go to my Favorite Blog list (left nav bar) and click on Sisters Crafty Creation and enter into the drawing.

Good luck guys!

Rhonda

OK, OK God. I see you!

I don't know if it's because I'm a mom or because I'm a worry wart or because I'm a control freak but my biggest struggle over the past few months has been letting our 22 year old son run his own life and live with the consequences.

Every time I stop trusting God and think that "my way will make things better" I end up creating so much chaos in my household. My son gets ticked and I get hurt by his anger. The line "lather, rinse, repeat" comes to mind. Geez will I ever get it!?

Lately I've been doing a better job of giving him to God and staying the heck out of the way. Just this week Anthony started a new job, got good grades on his college papers, and met all of his responsibilites. And guess what, I did nothing to make this happen except to pray.

I try hard to remember that God has a journey already planned out for Anthony just as he had one for me. Maybe by writing it on paper and reminding myself of all the miracles I've already witnessed, I'll be able to continue on this path and fully trust. I pray so.

Powerlessness

As many of you know, I'm an active member of a 12-Step Program and I sponsor many women. This past week has been a very tough one, one of gratitude for sure, but one of sadness too.

I encourage my "girls" to do as I do and therefore get what I've got (which is almost always a sense of peace and serenity). That seems so simple to me. That's what I did when I first arrived all broken and hopeless. Shoot, you get desperate enough and you'll do most anything.

- One new girl lasted about 2 weeks and is back out shooting heroin.
- Another who had almost 3 months (mom with 2 beautiful children) is back to lying and drinking her vodka.
- Another decided to find her relief in canned air. Yes, I said canned air! Has wrecked twice in two days from blacking out while huffing in her car.
- Another has pretty much stopped working her program and it's rumored that she's back to drinking again too.

You know, when I hear of these ladies going back to the life and the ugly hole we crawled out of, it just makes me sick.

- It makes me mad
- Makes me resent the disease of addiction
- Makes me angry at them for not following this simple program
- Makes me sorry for their families who once again have to experience this deep down miserable pain of watching the one they love kill themselves
- Makes me respect this disease that I battle each and every day...I know it's waiting for it's opportunity to crawl back into my head should I put myself in a vulnerable position
- Makes me sob because it's just so damn sad to watch

But most of all, it makes me grateful and makes me realize that I'm powerless over alcohol, drugs, and the choices people make.

By the Grace of God, I'm sober today, my family is relatively peaceful today, I'm a good employee, a good friend, a good Mom, a good wife, a good daughter and sister. I'm kinda liking myself today and I know that if I remain on task....Just For Today....God will see me through and allow me to help another of his children another day.

Thanks God.

The Pain of Growth

I've had the most amazing Thanksgiving holiday. I've spent quality time with my husband and son, I've participated in a lot of AA meetings, I've worked hard on completing orders for Serenity Sacs. I am grateful for God's hand in my life.

The past couple of days, however, have presented me with a couple difficult and narrowminded people. One lady who saw my link on a friends facebook page wrote and said that the idea of writing things down and putting them in a bag was a "dumb" idea. After reading the bantering of she and my friend awhile, I wrote and told the story of how they came to be and the effectiveness of them. Found out later that this lady is an Aethiest and she finds the whole God thing pointless and stupid.

Yesterday I gave a lead (told my story) at a meeting. It went well and I received positive feedback from many in the room. However, one gentleman came to me and said "were you here to give a lead or to sell God Bags?" I just about hit the floor. I talked about recovery for 50 minutes and shared the story of my Serenity Sacs for less than two minutes. I find it very sad that what he took from that meeting was not a message of hope, but rather anger because I included the story of my little ministry in my story. My ego took a blow and I left there angry myself instead of uplifted like in the past.

I get very angry at myself for letting people get into my head and cause me anxiety. I've gone over those two situations in my head over and over so many darn times, but I had a revelation this morning. I'm going to pray for those two individuals whose narrowmindedness caused me upset and embarrassment. I pray that P be able to accept me for who I am and see the quality program I practice daily. I pray that M finds God in her life because there is so much peace to be had if you just open your heart and let him in.

As for me, I've grown because of these two individuals. I still believe that this little ministry was God driven. I never intended to sell these, they were just gifts for my sponsees last Christmas. I feel in my heart that God is who brought the sales to me so that I could create a spiritual tool to help others develop their relationship with Him. And dag gone it, I enjoy making them! I've had the opportunity to really look at my AA program and be grateful that God led me to AA. I've realized that I'm a garden variety drunk/drug addict who still has much work to do. I've realized that my dependence on others to make me feel worthy and ok is still a big problem. My dependence must be on a Higher Power.

So thank you God for putting M & P in my holiday weekend and for opening my eyes. Even though it was painful, growth occurred and for that I'm grateful.